Ask Bambi Lyn! Our New Advice Column...

'Ask Bambi-Lyn' is our new advice column for anyone who wants to hear honest-to-Goddess real-life advice from one of today's sexiest young scream queens, Bambi-Lyn Couchet! Bambi-Lyn is a world-famous actress who has starred in horror films like Stripped To Kill 5, Death Bitch IX, Death Cry of the She-Bitch From Hell, Ho Stalker 3, Satan's Sweet Cheerleaders, and Jim Wynorski's Queen Suckula's Dungeon of Lusty Doom. Bambi Lyn is writing and producing her own sasquatch horror film, Bigfear, in which she will star, of course. She brings her unique craft and unparalleled talent to any production, and she's ready to share her experience in the world of love and life and horror with her fans (YOU). Bambi-Lyn, in addition to joining the Pretty/Scary Family, runs a popular blog and can be visited on myspace. Bambi's advice column will run every month on Pretty/Scary! But enough about us, let's get to Bambi and her advice! Today, Bambi-Lyn helps a woman afraid of lesbians, a girl who thinks she might BE a lesbian, and a girl who wants to get spanked! Read on for the best advice ever given by anyone as sexy as Ms. Couchet...

Dear Bambi Lyn,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
 
Terrified, Indiana

Dear Terrified,

That's a complicated question to answer. First of all, ask yourself the following questions:

1) When you're peering through your peephole at the hallway whenever you hear movement across the hall, have you noticed that they've decorated their apartment door with a flag with a cedar tree and orange stripes?
2) Do you see posters of Najwa Karam or Assi Hellani hanging on the walls when you furtively try to peek inside their apartment?
3) When you skulk around their door trying to overhear their conversations, do you hear them speaking Arabic as they argue over the true nationality of Gibran Khalil Gibran since he was born in Lebanon but raised in Massachusette?

If the answer to any of those questions is yes, then you might be living across the hall from a couple of Lebanese chicks. Fix them a welcome tray of baba ghanouj and fattoush and say "Ahlen. Tcirrafna." (Welcome. Glad to meet you.) Be neighborly, for fuck's sake.

If not, then they're probably lesbians and you should unclench your ass a little and go over and say hi and be a good neighbor. Believe it or not, lesbians are known to be funny, friendly, and great to have living next door.

Of course, it could turn out that they're Lebanese lesbians, in which case you should do all of the above and quit stalking your neighbors, for God's sake! I starred in a movie where I had a stalker ("Stalker Ho 3: I Saw What You Did Last Weekend") and it didn't end well for the guy. I ended up luring him into my apartment and driving kabab skewers through his eyes. So, you know...stalking's bad.

By the way, I think you need to ask yourself why the hell you're so terrified of a gym teacher and a social worker. Unless you've got some kind of weird childhood hangups you haven't come to terms with yet, you need to seriously get the hell over yourself and live and let live. Honestly!

Dear Bambi Lyn,

I'm a female college student and a feminist. I expect equal treatment at home and at work. But I have fantasies of domestic discipline. Some days I'd like to rush home to clean and make dinner for my boyfriend in only an apron. Then I'd appreciate it if he'd find some excuse, something I did wrong, and spank me until I cry before he has wild sex with me.

My open-minded guy would be up for this. But how on earth do I set effective boundaries? How can you be taken seriously as an equal when you tell your boyfriend that you'd like him to dominate you outside the bedroom (the cooking and cleaning aspect) on occasion? It's totally unrealistic to pretend to be BETTY CROCKER all the time.

- Betty Crocker, NYC

Dear Betty,

Far be it for me to criticize, but your first mistake is in expecting equal treatment. You should expect SUPERIOR treatment, always and everywhere, with everyone. That's the Bambi-Lyn way. Either worship me or get the hell out of my way.

As far as your fantasies go, I have to confess that the thought of naked dusting has never really flipped my switch--although to be honest, I don't do clothed dusting, either. Or cooking. Or cleaning of any kind. (Really, isn't that why maids were put onto this earth?) But if that's what makes you hot and spicy, then go for it. And as far as the spanking goes...honey, let me just tell you: there ain't nothing better than a well-reddened hiney (except maybe diamonds, but one can lead to the other, if you know what I mean). But with that said, I understand where your conflict is coming from. Women today are expected to be all things to all people. At school and work, you're a strong, opinionated feminist. At home with your boyfriend, you're a delicate little flower who needs a big strong man to take care of her. It's more schizophrenic than my role in "Sybil 2: Which One Am I Again?" where I played a woman with five personalities (I'm sure you remember that one: it ended with me naked and fighting "myself" symbolically in a mirror maze, until I finally shattered all the mirrors and had just one personality--the nymphomaniac Catholic school girl, Mary Catherine--again. It was really an artsy film.)

Luckily for you, Betts, you live in an enlightened time where you can be whatever you want to be, whenever you want to be it.  If you want to be occasionally manhandled and spanked, then tell your boyfriend that's what you want. Unless you run with the carnival crowd, he's not psychic. He won't know unless you tell him. And don't whine about how that takes all the "spontaneity" out of it. The wild, wonderful world of dominance and submission is built on communication and pre-planning. Tell him your fantasy (it'll more than likely get him so hot he'll pop a pup-tent right then and there) and then, some time of your own choosing, do the naked dusting thing and see where it goes.

As far as being equals...don't worry about it. Do you think less of him because he likes for you to do certain things in bed? Well, maybe you do if he's into anything really kinky (I had a boyfriend once who couldn't get it up unless he'd chewed off my toenails first) but I'm betting you accept his little kinks without question. He should do the same for you. And if he doesn't, then think about getting another boyfriend. Tell him flat out what you want. Describe the fantasy to him in full detail, and don't leave out a single dirty thing you want him to do to you. Tell him that your safe word will be "banana" and that if you say it, then he's to stop what he's doing immediately (and if he doesn't, then don't give him any second chances; lose his ass immediately).

What a lot of people who want to be dominated fail to understand is that they are the ones who wield the control. They determine when it's too much and stop the action whenever they want. It's okay to be dominated once in a while, just so long as your boyfriend doesn't take advantage of it and start treating you like the "little woman," expecting you to clean up after him all the time. Once that happens, it's time for him to pack up his pup tent and leave the campgrounds.

Happy spanky-times!

Dear Bambi-Lyn,
 
I am a fifteen-year-old girl and I think I might be gay. I have a crush on this girl at school, but I don't think she knows it. I don't know how to tell my parents. I am afraid that they'll be angry at me or even think I'm weird. Is it normal to be gay? How can I start liking boys instead so I can be normal?
 
- Cofused, Seattle, WA

Dear Confused,

Sweetie, I think it's absolutely wonderful that you're able to ask me about this. Many of my gay friends (and I'm in show biz, so I have more than a few) have gone through the very same confusions and doubts that you're having right now. And that's perfectly normal, believe it or not. What's NOT normal, on the other hand, is feeling like you have to conform to what society expects of you. At fifteen, you know what you're attracted to, and if another girl floats your boat, then THAT is what's normal for you. I happen to have a weakness for short, pudgy men with hairy backs. That's what's normal for me. Normal is subjective, which simply means that "normal" is what you want it to be.

Now, to answer your questions: if you really like this girl, befriend her (if you haven't already) and get to know her as a person, not just as the object of your crush (trust me; I'm the object of many people's crushes, male and female, and they tend to imagine I'm even more perfect than I actually am). If she feels the same way you feel (and you never know, she just might!) eventually your friendship will start evolving into something more and you'll feel more comfortable with telling her how you feel. That's the tricky part, though. Telling someone you have feelings for them is always hard (at least that's what I've been told; I'm usually the one who is on the receiving end of the conversation) and it takes courage and guts and a willingness to possibly hear a reaction you won't like. Unfortunately, that's the way it is for everybody on earth, gay, straight, or sideways. If nothing else comes of it, you'll probably have a good friend, and those are pretty hard to find. So in a weird way, it's kind of a win-win situation.

As for telling your parents...that depends on your relationship with them. Chances are probably good that they already have an idea that you're gay. Maybe they're in denial, maybe they're just waiting for you to bring it up to them. There's no perfect way or time to tell them, just like there's no way to predict what their reaction will be. You know your parents better than anybody, so try to gauge their reactions to gay people on TV or in real life to get an idea of how they might handle it. They might surprise you with their coolness. Tell them about it only when YOU feel comfortable sharing it with them. There are no rules here, so explore your feelings on your own and become comfortable with who you are. Go to the library and find books about lesbianism to read about other points of view. Expand your circle of friends at school and online and see if you can find other teens in the same boat as you. Talk to counselors or even therapists. The most important thing here is that you are able to accept who you are. We love who we love, and that's just how it is.

Finally, I want you to repeat this to yourself over and over again: "I AM NOT WEIRD!" Because you're not weird. Being gay is just something that you are. Try not to be afraid of it. And don't force yourself to do anything that you don't want to do...like sleep with a boy just to prove you're straight. That would be a pile of stupid stacked on top of a mountain of dumb, topped with an idiot cherry. Your family loves you. Your friends love you. They'll accept you for who you are, not who you think they want you to be. So what if you like girls? That's just something that makes you YOU. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Accept it.

Besides, it's so cool to be gay nowadays that everybody wants to horn in on the action. The fact that you're a lesbian-in-training is awesome! Congratulations on taking your first steps toward meeting the woman of your dreams, and good luck to you!

If YOU have a question for Bambi Lyn, please email it to her at ScreamqueenBambi-Lyn @ Hotmail.com Don't forget to visit Bambi Lyn Couchet at  http://bambilyn.blogspot.com & www.myspace.com/bambilyn!