Twilight Series - Housewife porn for Goth Chicks?

Life in North Hollywood was a sweet surrender to the abusive hell that was Downtown LA in my college years. My best friend was a like-minded Gothic punk rocker with a secret love for the romantic novel, also known as "Housewife Porn." She would often get the rap from me on the subject, but whatever.

Housewife Porn is classified as trashy romance novels that are so bad, they're good. Does anybody else hear the sound of a Volvo revving? That's right, I'm talking about the infamous "Twilight" series! Let's ignore the fact that the main character, Bella Swan, is about as well-developed as a Prom night dumpster baby--the novel is full of teen angst and epic cheese that allows every pre-pubescent teen girl to project herself into the main character of what may easily be the most over-hyped safe sex book ever written.

I'll be honest: I purposely ignored the "Twilight" series when I saw how over-hyped it was. But, non-conformist that I was, I decided to pick up "Twilight" and read it. At very least, I can argue about how much it stunk from an educated standpoint. Half-way through, I realized that were I fourteen again, I would be raving exactly the same way that all these other girls were. This is a great story, but not for the educated/adult reader.

Something that genuinely bothered me about this book was Stephanie Meyer's view on vampires. No blood-sucking? No indulgence? No sex? Sure, they had to keep a low-profile, but you've got to give us something that we can put a little more taboo on than fantasizing about a hard-abed seventeen year old coming into our bedrooms and snuggling us all night. As we know, blood equals sex, and apparently it's not very PG to write a book about premarital teen sex...but it's totally kosher to write it about masochistic vampires that stalk you. Kudos. The only realistic vampire coven in the entire book are lone hunters that, of course, indulge in their senses and skills to feed on humans. The leader of this realistic vampire coven, of course, is long-haired bad-boy James that is only slightly more masochistic than his mopey counter-part of Edward.

Another thing that bothered me about the book was the character development. Everything that alluded to the history of the characters just seemed to turn into a giant monologue. Between Edward's mood swings and Bella's only purpose seeming to be the vessel to which lonely girls can project themselves onto, the book is a true high school musical of epic proportions. Even when Edward tried to leave and save Bella, it almost screamed: "There's still hope for you as a character, proving that bad starts can lead to good finishes with lessons learned..." But, of course, irrationality and angst overruled when Bella begged for him to stay and have a relationship with her.

"Well, alright," he agrees, as if to say "the next three books can't possibly be this angst-ridden and misogynistic." They are. Keep in mind that I have a flair for drama, and I love a good romance story, no matter how campy. That being said, I found that the first few chapters of "New Moon" were so grossly dramatic and whiney, even I wanted to vomit. I actually smiled, however, when Bella began to show some flickers of a personality and started 'dating' Jacob. The second he turned to the Werewolf side, however, it was all downhill from there.

All in all, though, I have to say that the books are decently well-written. They are what they are: young adult fiction. Young adult, housewife porn for the goth chick. If I'm in the mood for something to think about, I'll put on "Harold and Maude" and have a good cry. If I'm in the mood to just be trashy and alone, I'll curl into bed with a snickers bar and a copy of "Twilight." So let's give the "Twilight" bashing a break? It's over-hyped, yes...but it's a young adult, Vampire romance novel written by a lonely Mormon. What do you want?