Sorority Row (2009)

Written by: Josh Stolberg, Pete Goldfinger, and Mark Rosman
Directed by: Stewart Hendler
Featuring: Briana Evigan, Leah Pipes, Rumer Willis, Jamie Chung, Audrina Patridge, Carrie Fisher
Review by: Paula Haifley

The new remake of House on Sorority Row comes out today, and surprisingly, it doesn’t suck. If you’re looking for a fun, airy popcorn slasher film with some good jumps and only a little brain activity, Sorority Row will satisfy you. It’s a hamburger from the cafeteria instead of a steak from a non-chain restaurant.

The standard pitfalls of this type of film are apparent in Sorority Row. The girls are so stereotypical of the high school/college click its like they were taken out of another film but given new names. And the actresses who play them all look too old in that 90210 way. The parties and the sex (and the showers) seem to be the dreams of a nerdy boy who went to college but was never invited to be a Greek, and was left to dream (and wank) about what they might be like. And only a person with half a brain, or someone who was still drunk from their last rush party, wouldn’t be able to see the ending coming after the first ten minutes.

Carrie Fisher is great in her small part, almost overcoming the anachronism of the housemother. I guess they had to include mommie dearest as an homage to the original, where a house mother was murdered in a prank gone awry, but since a chaperon is no longer needed in this day and age to protect the girls’ virginity, you have to wonder why they thought it necessary to include her. Is it because they think it’s automatically funny for a late middle-aged woman to fire a shotgun?

On to the things I really liked about the film. The use of modern technology and cell phones is seamlessly integrated into the story, instead of the standard “we’re out of cell range, everyone leave your phones in the car” throw away, we get texting, phone aps, and cell pics that move the story along. The film has some cool kills too. The boozy girl gets offed first (big surprise) in a way that matches her generic character trait: a wine bottle is shoved all the way down her throat. That got me excited for all the other girls to get offed in a way that fits their character. A heavy bookshelf could squash nerdy Rumer Willis. The vain leader of the pack could get her throat slashed with a piece of mirror, or be chocked to death with her perfect pearls. The wannabe could be bludgeoned to death with a knock off Dior bag. No such luck, unfortunately, but one girl does get offed in the bubbles from a foam party, and the opening kill, even though you know exactly what’s going to happen, is still shocking and effective. And in the following “it was an accident, let’s not ruin our lives by rotting in prison” conversation, the shallow leader girl actually does show remorse before pulling her shit together to talk the girls out of calling the cops. Did I mention that Carrie Fisher fires a shotgun?

If Sorority Row was put on the recent slasher remake scale, 5 being the best, 1 being Halloween 2, I’d give it a solid 3. It’s a fun date movie. It’s better than at least 50% of the current horror releases. So finish your top ramen and talk your way into that kegger, and get ready to make out with the fourth hottest boy in the room. He promises not to puke on your shoes.