"'There are two kinds of women. There are women and then there’s pussy.' - Sam Peckinpah"
Plot To Destroy Horror Genre / Introduction
Wed, 08/05/2009 - 08:40
Horror Essay
Copyright 2009
It began in 1994, when upstart writer/director Kim Henkel created an outstanding film entitled Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Next Generation, starring Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey. In Next Gen, Henkel lifts the black curtain on serial killers who are secretly mind controlled by the global elite, whose goal it is to cover the earth in a poisonous blanket of undiluted terror. Things might have been okay if not for the fact that McConaughey was so good in this movie. The state took notice and immediately hit the drawing board to devise a plan that would bring the entire genre to its knees.
First, they needed a trinity of quality films to rekindle the public's interest in horror fiction. The Big Three, as I like to call them, were Scream, The Blair Witch Project, and The Sixth Sense. Once the state captured the attention spans of the unwashed masses, they unleashed subliminal parallel streams of desensitization through torture porn and appallingly inferior remakes of classics. The Hostel/Saw-type movies were part of a heavy handed Shock and Awe campaign, cruelly bludgeoning the receptors of at least half of the movie-going public. The flood of remakes took a more sophisticated approach, dreamed up by (I'm probably going to be shipped to a FEMA camp for saying this) the physically lovely (if you don't mind blue, upside down pentagram tattoos) Vallery Stage, also known as Night Gallery Vallery, a high-ranking member of the Illuminati in charge of Luciferian light manipulation in television commercials. These remakes (not a one of them is good, but I'll show leniency to My Bloody Valentine for casting Tom Atkins) are Orwellian in nature, as they possess the supernatural ability to rewrite the past. Five years from now, when a teenager clicks on the Net Flix website or saunters into his or her local Blockbuster Video, the only Texas Chainsaw Massacre they'll find is the remake (and the remakes of The Fog, Prom Night, etc.). The classics will be available but not readily, buried like the skeletal remains of Karen Carpenter (the only singer I can listen to anymore). The remake of Friday the 13th (named after the Knights Templar debacle) is the only Friday the 13th, and has always been the only Friday the 13th. If you suggest otherwise, you'll be sentenced to hard labor in a reeducation camp.
I'm only allotted creativity in half hour increments, so I guess this short essay is over. While I'm here, I may as well give props to the Web Mistress. Heidi, Ghostella is a worthy successor to Vampira, Elvira, Sammy Terry, and Commander U.S.A. –I'm a fan. The first thing I did after coughing up the cash for high speed was watch “Haunted Tomb”, since After Ellen refuses to invest in players that allow the viewer to buffer. If Ponder lets you run with the character, I'd be interested in seeing Ghostella host mainstream horror flicks (as would many horror fans, I'm sure).
END
Wed, 08/05/2009 - 11:17
#2
Hi Bryan!!!
(another 35 bucks down the drain)
That's how I feel every time I buy Neutrogena Intense Anti-Wrinkle Serum!
I apologize in advance for interrupting your regularly scheduled programmed fugue-like state (goldfish memory amnesia),
That's okay, I was just watching my fave judge show, 'Judge Matthis', (because he's not afraid of goin' all ghetto on their black asses when they're fighting about cable bills)
regurgitated banana-flavored Laffy Taffy (yeah, banana is the worst flavor).
Dude, what about GRAPE? Grape is way worse, but banana comes in a hardy strong second. I have to say I prefer Apple best. The green apple (why do they never do 'red apple' for anything?) But Green Apple is pretty fucking awesome, followed by strawberry, I think. Laffy Taffy does a great raspberry as well.
My name is one thousand wolves, and I'm a 31 year old literary genius.
Holy shit! I, too, am a literary genius!
Big Brother constructed a Top Forties radio station outside my apartment window and over the course of ten months proceeded to subject my skull to enough soft-kill shock treatments to make Francis Farmer's stay at the Ice House look like a butterfly-laden meditation temple.
Okay, I'm starting get the creeps. They just 'bought' my fave indie rock station, 103.1 out here in L.A., and made it a top 40's station, AND took away the awesome 97/1 talk radio station with Tom Lykus that I love and replaced it with top 40's drivel. Is the same thing happening to me that happened to you?
Long story short,
Too late
and the Orson Welles of anti-authoritarian photography, Damon Packard.
Dude, have you ever seen any of his movies? I think Packard is a fucking genius. His vision of Los Angeles is so awesome and his creation of 'Schindler's List: The Ride' in which yelling Nazis usher you through a Universal Studios ride line to scenes of Jews being shot in the head point blank is the most brilliant ode to Steven Spielberg I have ever seen.
It began in 1994, when upstart writer/director Kim Henkel created an outstanding film entitled Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Next Generation, starring Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey. In Next Gen, Henkel lifts the black curtain on serial killers who are secretly mind controlled by the global elite, whose goal it is to cover the earth in a poisonous blanket of undiluted terror.
Jeff Burr, the director, must be in on this too.
And also, Renee and Matt have both tried to have this film buried after their careers took off, refusing to do press for it. Does that mean they're on 'our side'?
The flood of remakes took a more sophisticated approach, dreamed up by (I'm probably going to be shipped to a FEMA camp for saying this) the physically lovely (if you don't mind blue, upside down pentagram tattoos) Vallery Stage, also known as Night Gallery Vallery, a high-ranking member of the Illuminati in charge of Luciferian light manipulation in television commercials.
Dude, I bomb the name 'Night Gallery Vallery' for the next message board I join.
While I'm here, I may as well give props to the Web Mistress. Heidi, Ghostella is a worthy successor to Vampira, Elvira, Sammy Terry, and Commander U.S.A. –I'm a fan. The first thing I did after coughing up the cash for high speed was watch “Haunted Tomb”, since After Ellen refuses to invest in players that allow the viewer to buffer. If Ponder lets you run with the character, I'd be interested in seeing Ghostella host mainstream horror flicks (as would many horror fans, I'm sure).
END
Thank you! I do love being Ghostella. Did you know that I do my own makeup and costume as Ghostella?
Er, its that obvious?
But it IS funny, isn't it? And can you believe I have the last living Mogwai, Princess, and we got her to appear in several of the episodes?
By the way, Horror remakes suck. The problem is with money. They make money. Until they stop making money, they'll keep making them. The largest offenses are continually made by Platinum Dunes, Michael Bay's company, and they have no intention of stopping anytime soon.
I do think My Bloody Valentine was better than the original. I also think The Fly, The Thing, and The Blob remakes were way better than the originals. I also know that Drag Me To Hell was a killer horror movie that was both underrated and highly original. There are good horror films being made: Hatchet, for instance, is a great horror movie that came out in the last few years. District 9 looks fairly awesome.
This is the problem: It's not that 'horror' films mostly suck these days, its that most FILMS Suck, always have sucked, and will always continue to suck. Every once in a while you get a Gone With The Wind, but 80% of all movies made just plain suck. And so, of course, 80% of all horror movies made also suck. That's just the way it is with art, man.
If we want Hollywood to stop making crappy remakes, then we need to stop paying money to see them. We'll all be shocked at how quickly they disappear when the money goes away.
By the way, nice to meet you. 
I wonder if we're on similar meds...
Wed, 08/05/2009 - 16:09
#3
Wed, 08/05/2009 - 16:22
#4
Scott, I thank you for the suggestion, as it extends a trend of friends, complete strangers, and casual acquaintances offering me free clothes. They must not like the way I dress, and I can't say I blame them. My eating disorder makes it difficult to buy jeans since the size always changes, but thankfully my grandpa gave me a bunch of his. People even give me shoes. The only articles of clothing I've purchased is a pair of black jeans and a Homeland Security T-Shirt.
Heidi, I think I like Judge Judy better than Matthis, although Matthis is nothing to shake a stick at. Judy reminds me of the way that judges treat me - with utter contempt. Matthis is too nice about it. He actually seems to have a conscience.
I like grape Laffy Taffy. At least, I don't mind it. I like the apple as well, but probably more for the color than the flavor (violent green). Neither particularly taste like grapes or apples, just sugar.
Yeah, Packard is a rare talent. I recently subjected my neighbors to a midnight screening of Reflections of Evil. They freaked out.
Not sure about Jeff Burr. My DVD says that Henkel both wrote and directed Next Gen. It could be a typo, or maybe they're already trying to rewrite history - with that movie, nothing would surprise me. I found the entire film to be on "our side". It was a rare glimpse into a startling reality, and I think the fat cats wanted to make sure nothing like that ever happened again. Renee and Matt were likely told that, if they valued their careers, they would promptly forget they were ever in Next Gen, hence the shyness (in my opinion it was the best work of both their careers, especially Matt who honestly probably should have won an Oscar).
Your costume is perfect for Ghostella. I got it right away - white like a ghost and the polar opposite of Elvira's black attire - pretty sharp. The white streaks in your hair remind me of Bride of Frankenstein (in a good way), and the makeup is... I guess hot is the word I'm looking for, which I don't feel embarassed saying because I'm sure my fellow male self-professed horror nerds feel the exact same way.
Wed, 08/05/2009 - 17:11
#5
My bad! Jeff Burr directed part III, which is almost worse than Part IV as far as 'parts' go.
What kind of eating disorder do you have? I used to throw up, now I just eat and cry, and sometimes when I am angry I don't eat and then go to the grocery store and walk through the cake 'n' cookie aisle and drool, but tell myself I'm bad and don't deserve any of it.
No i don't, that would be sick.
yes, I do.
Thanks for the props on the costume and makeup! the white in my ahir is face powder. I roll all high budget like that.
Wed, 08/05/2009 - 19:10
#6
Well, I'm only five-foot-five, so anything I put in my mouth makes me fat. Basically, I should never eat. To complicate an already depressing situation, half my family is Italian, amazing cooks, so of course I spent my childhood rolling between destinations like an on-end spare tire someone jabbed with a stick. I went through an anorexic phase in high school, but I think that's only because I was too stoned to properly feed myself. My OCD forced me to stop smoking pot, and I was never much of a drinker, so I've developed the bad habit of turning to a pint of ice cream for solace. I'm currently attempting to find a happy medium.
Wed, 08/05/2009 - 19:43
#7
Wed, 08/05/2009 - 21:49
#8
Wed, 08/05/2009 - 22:24
#9
Thu, 08/06/2009 - 09:16
#10
Hi, Ashar. I hope your head is feeling better. That just reminded me that I need to stock up on extra strength Advil today. Advil and I have a relationship.
Hi, Andrew and Filmgal. I hope you got your ice cream. I'm doing a lot of hoping today for just waking up. You guys want to hear about a dream I had like, five minutes ago? I was standing in a public shower trying to pee, but I was peeing all over myself. And then, right there in the shower, I pointed up at the ceiling (which had become the night sky) and shouted, "Meteor shit!" Just like Stephen King's character in that Creepshow Episode, The Lonesome Death of Jordy Varrell. And a meteor shot down from the sky, and that really fuckin creepy song from Creepshow started to play. The ones that's like, bow bow, bow bow (synthesizer) - Eli Roth also uses it during the trampoline scene in Thanksgiving, which I watched the other day when the TV at work played Grindhouse in its entirety (pretty cool). So yeah, I'm still kind of spooked.
Fri, 08/07/2009 - 10:31
#11
Fri, 08/07/2009 - 11:04
#12
Fri, 08/07/2009 - 15:15
#13
Ashar, what kind of job was it?
Remember how two nights ago I was urinating all over myself in my dream? Well, in last night's dream I was pooping in the middle of a grocery store. In my defense, it wasn't like I decided to do that in the dream - when I realized I was dreaming, I was on the toilet (that someone had installed right next to the potato chip aisle). Next, I was in my living room petting the family dog, but the state had declared martial law and some sinister guy was roaming the streets of my deserted neighborhood. Then my real-life lawyer tried to call me in the dream but my phone's ringer was off, so I called him back and we met at his office in the city. His fatcat associates offered me dog biscuits for a snack, which I took to give to the family dog. (And for some reason in the dream I felt guilty about not eating the dog biscuits myself, like I was being a snob or something).
Give that man a three wolf moon t-shirt!
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