Mr. March: Chris Garetano

Christopher Garetano is an anomaly because most really hot guys with great arms wouldn't spend two years of their life following around independent horror filmmakers for a documentary project about their experiences. Chris looks like the kind of guy who would beat up these dorks, dweebs, geeks, and losers. Instead of hitting them, Chris found an affinity with these scum: a love of all things horror. Putting his own coolness aside, he completed the horrormentary Horror Business, which is released this month from Image Entertainment. He's gone on to film Son of Horror Business, which is a sequel, and the short horror film Inside. Chris is such a dork himself that he's obsessed with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the Original, of course) and is making a film about that, too. In fact, he's got a bunch of documentaries up his sleeve. Only he doesn't seem to wear sleeves often, which is nice, because he's got really great arms. Did I already say that? Meet Chris Garetano; the bad-boy with the heart of a nerd.

It's a day of reckoning and a night of pure evil... or so she tells me

When you play basketball with Dante Tomaselli and Nick Palumbo, how often do they suggest a game of shirts vs. skins with you, where they wear the shirts?

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Think of a new title to your film "Horror Business". It can't contain the words "Horror" or "Business". You have 20 seconds.

"NO WAY TO SPEND A LIFE": Adventures in Guerilla Movie Making

Put these movies in order of Worst to Most Worst:

Out of those pictures I only saw Doom. I'd rather have a double feature of John Carpenters The Thing and Predator before I watch Doom again.

Describe the perfect woman for Chris Garetano...

She's intelligent, has self-respect, is strong, and is extremely sexy, reliable and trustworthy. She also must continue to have patience for my (life long) movie making addiction.

What are your turn-ons?

The cosmos, kindness, self-respect, mutual respect, originality, challenges, fearlessness, determination, watching the underdog succeed.

Turn-offs?

Jail, car accidents, drug overdoses, people who boast, delusions of grandeur, broken bones (my own), idiots with guns, idiots with money, idiots with no money who boast that they have money, idiots with no money & no talent who boast that they have guns, pseudo intellectuals and dilatants.

Tell us a little about "Horror Business". Why make a documentary?

Horror Business is rooted in my own frustrations as an independent moviemaker. I had attended film school in New York (School of Visual Arts) from 1996-2000 and aside from shooting many short films on 16mm I was always shooting short documentary projects. I carried a small Cannon DV camera in my hand all of the fucking time. I documented just about everything I saw in New York City. I lived there from eighteen years old to the time I was twenty-three. For a while I was documenting a heroin addict named "Brian" who, after shooting up, would get in fights with other homeless heroine/methadone addicts.

After I graduated from film school I found it to be very difficult to find funding for a motion picture. In 2000 I wrote a slasher film titled Are You Going? It dealt with racism, murder and revenge. There were many times I was very close to securing funding and then the bottom would simply just drop out at the last minute. This happened several times and it was excruciating.

After publishing a magazine with the same title of my slasher script I realized that Horror Business was the perfect project for me. Through the magazine I met so many other "indie" guerillas like myself that I thought an account of this particular generation (of movie makers) would be appropriate. Horror Business is authentic. Unlike most docs that are created by an observer with no experience in the subject my picture is a first hand account and an observation of its own species.

How is it REALLY pronounced: Cuhven or Cove-en?

It's "COVE-EN" because the dude says so.

Now tell us a little about your short film "Inside" and how it ended up on Fangoria's "Blood Drive" label.

Inside was basically a weekend break from shooting and editing Horror Business. I heard about the Blood Drive contest so I took a little break to make something... I had no crew, and essentially enough cash for a pizza and the rental cost for three lights.

I finished the whole deal (that includes editing and sound design) in about two weeks. I wanted to make a sensory short film that resembled a dreary horror fun house ride. I've dealt with a lot of suicides in my life so I worked that into the tapestry of the story. I simply sent it into Fango and that's all she wrote. I like how it turned out. For a five-cent picture it's not so bad.

Are you going to start filming "Are you Going"?

I wrote Are You Going before the whole horror resurgence. It's basically about a gang of racist skinheads ("The Devil Dogs") who kill a little boy and beat his father half to death during a robbery. The father recuperates and dresses up as the boy's favorite masked superhero Sgt. Silence. He then proceeds to murder the skinheads one by one in very nasty ways.I wrote the first draft more than seven years ago. I might still make it one day after reworking the story a bit. After seven years my sensibilities changed a bit. Right now my head is in a different place called South Texas Blues.

Describe your upcoming projects in 500 words or less:

I've been keeping really busy. For the past two years I've been working between four different feature length documentaries, (Son Of Horror Business, Angels Gate, Montauk Unveiled, and The Horror Of Dante Tomaselli) a short horror film (Cottonmouth), and developing a feature fantasy/drama titled South Texas Blues.

Three of the docs are all in their very late shooting stages. Son Of Horror Business is a follow up to the first focusing primarily on the new indie horror revolution. Angels Gate is a very gritty and honest look at an animal hospice in Northport NY; Montauk Unveiled is a sometimes-humorous look at government conspiracy, time travel and alien experimentation that allegedly occurred (in the 1970's) on the very eastern tip of Long Island.

Cottonmouth is an adaptation of a short (comic book) story by artist Steve Bissette. It appeared in the 1986 underground horror comic titled Gore Shriek. It's about four women who die from a bacterial infection caused by tampons. They all rise from the grave one night to take revenge on the neglectful corporate fuck head that's partially responsible. I'm deep in the sound design stages right now and I should have that done very soon.

South Texas Blues is my insane obsession. Its core story is a drama based on the making of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I came up with name and concept over ten years ago. I had researched not only story's of what went on during the filming of "chainsaw" but also many of my other favorite horror films of that wonderful era.

I'm creating a very personal and fantastic interpretation of those many true stories.It's not a straightforward accuracy like your typical biopic. A lot of weird shit's going to happen in the film. The story and main protagonist is also a parallel reflection of my own life right now, so it's perfect. I will soon premiere on the official website (coming soon) and the STB Myspace a short documentary titled "On The Road To South Texas." It clearly chronicles my passion and ideas for the project.

Purple is the combination of what two colors?

Typically the proper mixture is blue and red... I once punched a guy very hard (in the bridge of his nose) and it created a dark purple lone ranger mask shaped bruise on his face.

You're a big fancy horror film director. Name a movie I've never heard of.

I don't know how good you are but I used to hit most people with Alejandro Jodorowski's incredible The Holy Mountain or E Elias Merhidge's Begotten. Both very brutally beautiful pictures that more people need to take notice of.

If you want to harass Chris (and you know you do) you can catch him at these links:

WWW.HORRORBUSINESSMOVIE.COM

WWW.MYSPACE.COM/HORRORBUSINESSMOVIE

WWW.MYSPACE.COM/SOUTHTEXASBLUES

WWW.MYSPACE.COM/CHRISTOPHERPGARETANO

WWW.ANGELSGATE.ORG