Mr. April: Stephen Wozniak

Stephen Wozniak gets cast as Jesus a lot. (hippy). He also has gorgeous eyes and an enigmatic artistic quality to him that drives the ladies crazytown. He starred in the Dave DeFalco movie CHAOS, alongside Sage Stallone, which has been debated as one of the most violent and brutal horror films to come out of the past decade. He's also been in 2002's Scarecrow and 2003's Exorcism, and briefly in 2000's Psycho Beach Party. But that's not all; our hero played Jesus on The Jimmy Kimmel Show and in Time Machine: Beyond the Da Vinci Code on, like, the History Channel or A&E or wherever they show that crap... But this guy's got more than just acting on his mind. Stephen, through his own production company Inevitable Film Group, plans to star in a film version of the Life of David Bowie called Ziggy Played Guitar.  I think he should call it Dance Magic Dance, In Tight Pants... will Stephen be wearing tight pants in any of his pictures? Check out the interview with Mr. April and find out for yourself...

a) Polish officials called "Woznyks", the equivalent of the medieval English "sherrif or Shire reeve" served as county tax collectors for the Polish regency until 1795 when the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth was dissolved by Polands enemies: Russia, Prussia, and Austria.

b) The Polish state was born in 966 with the baptism of Wozniaszko the I, duke of the Slavic tribe of Polans and founder of the Wozniaszk Dynsasty. His conversion from paganism to Christianity was Poland's first recorded historical event. The surname "Wozniak" means "pious" in honor of him. 

c) Similar to the English surname "Carter", this common Polish name comes from the root woz, meaning "wagon or cart," and usually refers to a man who drove a cart. Another possible interpretation connects the Wozniak surname to wozny, meaning "a court crier."

 

Stephen as hunky Mitch Ryder on 'American Dreams'

Uh, the first one is about bugs. To that I say “Yuck,” a simple, classic and common grandfather Wozniak expression. The second one is about word origins, but not necessarily about names. The reason there is a difference between Entymology and Etymology is so that when you run the local Muscular Dystrophy Marathon for the first time and become a dog-tired, hang-jaw, sweaty mess in sneakers, you’ll be sure to eat your words after saying that you could make it to the finish line at ludicrously impossible 3-minute mile rate instead of tiredly choking down a swarm of flies rising from a homeless dude on the footpath.

 

Stephen, spilling his guts out to us about his work on the film CHAOS. hahahaha.

 

What's your idea of a perfect date?

 

To achieve a happy ending, of course. Oh, wait, the right thing to say is: Slinking around town at night, catching the sites of the city at large, window-shopping the highlights of Los Angeles, if you will. We meet in an incredibly dark, utterly hip-beyond-recognition hotspot hotel rooftop bar in star-spangled Hollywood. Then, I order you something you've never had before: A tall glass of me. But if you're actually - instead of metaphorically - thirsty and want to numb the senses, then a sturdy highball will do. Our eyes meet, our talk rages on like a rubber tire fire, then we wrap up our dirty and delicious attraction for one another at none other than POQUITO MAS. Burritos for lovers. Need I say more? NO MAS! And that's just the first act. But if you have a winning smile and a gorgeous rack, I think we’ll sleep together right away.

 

Stephen as Frankie in CHAOS, with his cohorts

 

So, tell me about the time you founded Apple Computers in the mid-1970's?

 

I gotta’ say, it was pretty awesome. Nobody even knew what a computer was at the time, let alone one that you could buy inexpensively and use in your home on a table top. That part was all my idea. You can read on the internet – my invention too, by the way – all about how I modified a Motorolla processor and re-programmed it with the very sophisticated language of BASIC. A few years later, what emerged was the prototype for the Apples that we use today. I bailed a few years later after wasting millions of dollars on not one, but TWO huge failed live musical events called the US Festival. But I think what people worldwide really wanna’ know, was how cool it was to come up with the Atari game, BREAKOUT. Jobs – the other Steve, my computing “partner” – was really into prison culture for some reason, said it was something about court-ordered confinement, “water sports” and glistening muscles. I can’t remember. Anyhow, he really wanted to make this game based on his personal interest and insisted that I was “the man” for it, whatever that meant. To me, that just equated to me doing all the work, while he grandstanded and raked in the dough. Its how it’s been ever since. Oh, besides being a bearded, beer-belly, bespectacled – albeit smart – computing nerd, starting Apple Computers did get me a lotta’ hot ass. You remember Barbi Benton? Yeah, I had her. Toni Tennille. Her too.

 

Stephen dressed all queer like David Bowie

 

Will your David Bowie movie have a reenactment scene from LABYRINTH? If not, will you sing all your own songs? How tight will your pants be? If there hadn't already been a DOORS movie, would you be playing Jim Morrison instead?

 

Yes, I think when I produce and star in the lead role of my David Bowie biopic, ZIGGY PLAYED GUITAR, it would be foolish to omit that crucial period in Bowie’s illustrious career. Of course, I’d have to reenact one of the many timeless Goblin King dance sequences that end with his threatening an infant with a might-as-well-be-dead permanent goblin state-change. Or maybe an imagined deleted scene in which I get to dry-hump a 15 year-old nubile Jennifer Connelly. She was pretty hot, you got to admit. Even with the big, connected eyebrows.

 

Dance Magic! Dance!

 

 

If for some reason I don’t do the Goblin reenactment – clearly a mistake – I will indeed sing all of the songs but I didn’t know that those choices were mutually exclusive. Damn. Decisions, decisions. And my pants will be, of course, standard-issue Lycra nutcrackers. Obviously.

 

What do you mean, there was a DOORS movie!?!? Shit. Now I can’t do that one. Fuck. I really did wanna’ play that dude. Or just the part when he’s really high – I guess that was pretty much around the clock – and gets blown by Nico, the only section that I remember from the Jerry Hopkins book about his life. But now that I see such a cinematic animal has been released into the wild and I won’t be able to play him, why torture myself with such wondering? O-kkkkk, the cat’s out of the bag. Indeed – true story – I was asked to play Morrison for the stage last year here in Los Angeles, but after much deliberation, turned it down because I was too busy as producing partner at the feature film production company that I co-founded last year. That and because the material of Morrison’s life is too amorphous and experiential for how formalized stage largely is, in my opinion. It just didn’t seem right. Or maybe I wasn’t high enough to accept it.

 

Stephen makes dying on crosses while your lungs constrict under the weight of your own ribs, and your wrists pump blood through severed arteries SEXXXXXY

 

 

Having portrayed Jesus several times, can you answer me this question: Do animals have souls? And if so, did Jesus eat fish anyway?

 

Yes, all of our furry, scaled, winged and even hairless brethren of this earth have souls. Or at least, they have better instincts than most humans. And that goes a long way, considering that we pervert our instincts to the most ridiculous degree everyday. That’s part of our absurd Western sense of entitlement. Fucks us up every time. Animals don’t even have that “mechanism.” That’s why they’ll be around long after us.

 

And to answer the second half of this query, I have to say that Jesus didn’t likely eat fish, based on a mountain of research that I did before having played him on television a number of times. But more on that later. Jesus was too poor for such a luxury as fish and he wasn’t a firm believer in violent acts, even killing a smaller, smelly fish.

 

 
Uh Oh! Is Stephen's shirt coming off??? (From his very first layout in Tigerbeat Magazine)

 

Awwwww His shirt fell back on!

 

What are your turn ons? Turn offs?

 

Turn ons include: beautiful eyes, arresting smile, off-the-charts smarts and a wicked sense of humor. Oh, that, and a nice rack. Did I mention that before?

 

Steve as Jack in Exorcism

 

 

CHAOS is a fairly violent film. Isn't it?

 

Uh, I think it is. I mean, that’s the general consensus. During the first cast and crew screening at the world-famous Cinerama Dome in Hollywood a few years ago, it drove nearly a quarter of the 800 seat-packed house into the streets by the first 20 minutes, which is pretty remarkable. There’s a pretty gnarly scene of a young lady getting her, uh, nipple cut off, punctuated by lots of running around and even more sphincter-tightening scenes before its harrowing hi jinks ending. I don’t recommend that you bring a date to see this flick. It may largely be for people who aren’t that social to begin with. It drove renowned movie reviewer Roger Ebert over the edge, even. Pretty brutal stuff for sure. But it’s a rare feature film, in a sense, since nothing that violent has been made on 35mm in years with the exception of only a few other films. Hey, what do I know? I’m sure it’s a blood blast, if you’re into that kinda’ thing.

 

 
Stephen as Alien Latia in what is clearly his best picture. From 'Star Trek: Enterprise'

 

It was kind of inevitable that, as an actor, you'd founded your own film production company, wasn't it?

 

Yes, indeed it was. But I wanted to do it a long time ago. It was only recently that I had the resources to formally make it happen. Of course, we incorporated as Inevitable Film Group, but that had more to do with the uncanny coalescence of the people involved. Maybe we shoulda’ called it Coalescent Group. That sounds like some grimy upstate hippy commune or an overpriced pharmaceutical think tank or something. As far as near-acronyms go, IFG is catchier than CG anyhow. People would think we were computer graphics nerds or something. Oh, wait, we are computer nerds, since I founded Apple Computers back in 1976. I had forgotten all about that chapter of my life. But I was just a few years old when it happened, so you can understand.

 

Anyhow, back to makin’ movies. So, yeah, I got to know a fair number of greatly talented people, including Clyde Hayes, who wrote Robert Altman’s THE GINGERBREAD MAN; journalist and screenwriter Judd Klinger, who wrote MGM’s ENDANGERED SPECIES, directed by Alan Rudolph; award-winning novelist and screenwriter Scott Nicholson and many more. We realized that they all had great material worthy of production and so we got a nice little office in Beverly Hills to call our own, optioned some intellectual properties and have been in the business of producing feature films ever since. We also create what they call branded entertainment short films, as well as commercials, through our splinter company, Hazmat Pictures. We recently joined up with razor-sharp longstanding producer Jan Wieringa, who’s worked with the very best directors in the business, like David Lynch, Ridley Scott, David Fincher, Michael Bay, Tony Scott and many more. We’ve also just teamed up with a company that’s producing a contemporary feature film adaptation of HENRY IV, for whom Martin Sheen, Angela Bassett and Haley Joel Osment are attached. We’re happy to say that we’re on the path to where we wanna’ go, even though it is a very long path. Luckily, I’m a distance runner. And I have patience. So it’ll happen.

 

Steve channeling his second favorite person, Charles Manson, for a photoshoot. His first favorite person is Hitler.

 

 

What makes a stud a STUD, Stephen? And I ain't talkin’ horses, neither.

 

I thought that you were talking horses. And for that, I had an answer ready-to-go. But since you’re talkin’ proverbs and allusion, or rather, just about the human variety of studs, I’ll give you something anyhow. I’m thinking a STUD – of the all-caps variety – is indeed a stud, because he’s not finished yet. In fact, he’s barely gotten started. He’s hungry, he’s out there and he’s gonna’ get you. He can sure gallop the furthest and, of course, he’s got a really big hard cock. That’s about right, isn’t it?

Check out Stephen at www.inevitablefilmgroup.com or www.stephenwozniak.com. 

THIS is NOT Steve Wozniak. Clearly.