"'All women's history is hidden to some degree.'- Mary Harron, director of American Psycho"
Lindsay Lohan's voicemail messages
Thu, 09/10/2009 - 11:19
In the spring of 2008, LiLo made the unfortunate decision to post her private information — including her cellphone number — on Facebook which was soon snatched up and passed around by approximately half the internet population. Lindsay also left her private voicemail messages easily accessible because the password she chose was, amazingly, “1-2-3-4″. A post-Hollywood career at NORAD is unlikely.
Below are some of the voicemail messages that give us, the non-celebrity public, a candid glimpse at the pseudo-friends, estranged family, rehab buddies, and prospective lesbian stalkers vying for her attention at that time.
Make sure to wait until the end, as her desperate deadbeat father warbles a heartfelt message and then holds his cellphone up to the car stereo speakers to let her know he’s listening to her new CD as he drives. It’s beautiful honey…
Hello, Lindsay? This is that guy who used to sit behind you in high school, and I'm like, totally gay now! Omg, you like, never return my calls. Did I mention that I'm like, TOTALLY GAY NOW? If you don't return my calls, I'm going to, like, throw a totally gay temper tantrum in my bedroom.
Hi, Lindsay? My brother told me that I should call you, because me and you are both girls and also we have the same astrological sign. I was thinking we could get together for some lesbionic coffee and become, you know, BEST FRIENDS FOREVER. I know it probably sounds creepy, but it's not I promise. My brother and I just want to dress you up like a Barbie doll and make you say all the lines from your movies.
Lindsay, you stupid fucking bitch, this is your girlfriend! Call me back before I come over there and slap the shit out of you (sound of whiskey drunk straight from the bottle).
(Fake sigh). Hey Linds, this is that guy who always asks you for favors and pretends like he doesn't really care if you grant them or not. Sigh. What's-her-name asked me to ask you for another favor, but you know me, I don't really care if you do it or not pfft. As if. (fake yawn). Anyways, call me back so I can get her off my back.
Lindsay, this is your father. Baby I'm so sorry the elite record companies stuck that microchip in your head and turned you into a mind controlled slave! But look, it's all better now, see, I just bought your CD out of the bargain bin at 7-11. Watch, I'll play it now and make everything all better again. (Sings along to horrible song lyrics, weeping uncontrollably).
For fucks sake, is it any wonder this chick is crazy as a shit house rat? Just listen to all the type of people constantly calling her on the phone. Could you imagine actually having to speak to one of them? This made me like Lindsay a little bit - she must be a strong girl to deal with this.