Homecoming (2009)

Directed by Morgan J. Freeman
Written by Katie L. Fetting
Featuring Mischa Barton, Jessica Stroup, Matt Long
In theaters July 17, 2009

Mischa Barton’s post-cellulite-photo film choices have not been good ones (anyone ever hear of Virgin Territory? Didn’t think so) and Homecoming doesn’t help things one bit. Fatal Attraction set in rural Wisconsin with college-aged kids, Homecoming also rips off some serious plot points from Misery. I’m not joking. Barton is incredibly out of her element as a crazed ex girlfriend who will get her football-playing jock boyfriend back from his new woman at any cost. Here we go...

So, this really average-ish jock guy named Mike used to go out with Shelby (Barton), the hottest girl in Nowheresmalltownville, Wisconsin, where he was the star quarterback of his high school football team. Unlike his loser friends and girlfriend Shelby, he scored a football scholarship to University of Wisconsin and has started dating Elizabeth (Jessica Stroup). Genius Mike thinks it would be a really good idea to take Elizabeth back home to his small town for some retarded jock ritual called ‘retiring his jersey’ in which the entire town will be participating. Shelby, the incredibly sexy Mischa Barton, has somehow not found another guy, moved to Hollywood, and become an actress (like she would if this was a real town and a chick like Barton was from there.) Shelby now owns the local bowling alley, her mom’s old house, and is waiting patiently for Mike to return home so she can be with him again.

If there's one thing I hate, its a fucking jock

Of course, Mike brings Elizabeth, so Shelby’s feelings are crushed. Then she kidnaps Elizabeth, holds her hostage, and tried to win back Mike’s love in one desperate Play Misty For Me-inspired moment after another. Of course, Mike eventually realizes Elizabeth is missing (he at first thinks she just couldn’t ‘handle the pressure’ of homecoming) and is in a race against Shelby’s sanity to save her.

Watch out, Elizabeth! You're about to get hit by a -

For a Lifetime TV movie that I just flipped on while sitting at home in my underwear, this isn’t a bad film. Of course, it’s actually a thriller about to play in theaters on July 17th, 2009. Theaters. I’m loath to say it, but Barton may even be a little too good to be in this steaming pile. Jessica Stroup’s Elizabeth has barely any character development, through no fault of her own (she has the most generic lines and no opportunities to show any personality) and Barton, while a decent enough actress, is forced by the absurdity of the script to go insane for absolutely no reason at all out of the blue. Short of not being able to pay her bills and an ex-boyfriend who dumped her because he was an asshole who wanted to screw some other chick (um, that’s pretty common as far as troubles go, for us chicks these days), there’s really no reason to ever imagine that a boring, vapid, not-even-truly-hot football player obsessed with football and sports could ever drive this woman to the brink of madness.

Oh No! Who could have predicted this?

Abysmal directing and a really badly written script don’t help matters. Writer Katie L. Fetting, a 2001 Project Greenlight Finalist, may be basing this story on her own experiences of going to college at U of W, who knows? But probably she forgot that she saw Misery and Fatal Attraction and woke up one morning and said, ‘I have a really good idea for a script, and I was a finalist in Project Greenlight back in 2001, so I will definitely get an agent and/or sell any lame script I write’ and no one had the heart/balls to tell her this script was exactly like Misery mixed with Fatal Attraction but with kids.

Since when does any man turn down drunk bathroom sex?

Well, it’s a stinker. With a few fun moments, but the damn thing should be on Lifetime Obsession Fridays where it belongs and not infiltrating the minds of impressionable youngsters in theaters who might be misled into thinking it’s a horror movie. You’ll have predicted the ending long before you get to it – you can even pat yourself on the back for not being surprised at all. But sadly, we don’t get to see Barton do anything special, and we really wanted to.