Hellbound Hearts (2009)

Featuring stories from by Paul Kane, Marie O'Regan, Clive Barker, Neil Gaiman, Dave McKean, Mike Mignola, Kelley Armstrong, Barbie Wilde, Sarah Langan, Mick Garris, Steve Niles
Reviewed by Lis Fies

I do have something new to ask Mick and Cynthia Garris at horror functions. "Hi Mick and Cynthia. So Mick, when your washed-up British-director character was suspended in the air while mid-insertion into his cute female PA and the cenobites filmed them while they had their skin and bones ripped apart by machines, was that a metaphor for how you have no privacy? Mick? Where are you going? Can we watch?"...

An uneven yet technically proficient anthology of twenty-two short stories by famous and unfamous authors based on the Hellraiser universe originally created by Clive Barker. It utilizes English, and typing, and is brought to you on bound paper. Some of the dozen editors did a technically good job on their writers' stories, and some made or let the authors end them so quickly that I had to reread the last pages to figure out what the h had happened. And I really liked the foreward by Clive Barker about the myth outgrowing him and belong to the collective unconcious of the fans that need it. Didn't like Barker's art on the cover.

That is absolutely all I am qualified to say.

If you are already a fan of Hellraiser, you know if you're going to love this book. If you are not a fan of Hellraiser and have not been sexually abused in your past or desperately wanted to sexually abuse someone, you might, like me, be left perplexed and utterly numb by the content of Hellbound Hearts. A feeling the authors describe their characters feeling when they are living real life instead of the unlimited imagination of sadism and masochism that Hellraiser lets them explore. So this is kind of a Freaky Friday thing. They get to feel like us in Hellraiser, we get to feel like them when reading or watching about Hellraiser. Everybody gets a little bit of empathy I suppose.

The short stories are all about the transgressive act of either graphically, langorously physically mutilating someone yourself or being physically mutilated against your will while someone else is getting off sexually to it (or often on you). To the point that you are murdered. Honestly, I don't get what that's about. The authors speak of guilt, release, being caged, losing sexual responsibility... psychologically it all reads to me like the diary of an imaginative teenager whose parent is schtupping them. Not too mature or deep, just really icky and... pathetic and very sad. It made me want to hug each of the authors and give them a lollipop. But it never horrified me.

“Like” is the wrong word, but I really learned something from Richard Christian Matheson's two-page opus “Bulimia”, which used no part of the Hellraiser mythos but graphically described what a sexually abused woman might feel that makes her need to throw up. Considering how much his famous screenwriter father shaped my subconscious with his Twilight Zone episodes, I'm at least glad I was able to read junior's short and not throw up myself.

Truthfully, I really never felt anything. Not horror, not thrill, not disgust, no vasocongestion to report (And hey, I actually felt turned on at one point reading the remake script for Day of the Woman, so I would let you know if my private parts felt tingly.) Nope. Nothing. A big empty.

I kind of don't know what else to say. I've really struggled with not feeling anything for the material. It's not because I haven't taken it seriously for y'all. I even quizzed a waiter at Toi Thai about what the hell to say, if you can imagine that conversation. He's a musician, and he said when he doesn't emotionally get a musician he can tell is proficient, he focuses on speaking about the technical.

I'm really sorry for my psyche that I had to read Hellbound Hearts, and I'm really sorry for you if you think I'm making fun of you or it. I'm not. This review is all I have to give to the subject. If you need and want this material, it exists for you. I hope my media studies classes were right, and that is a good thing rather than a gateway to becoming a serial killer or his bitch.

What I really really want to say, while I give you a virtual hug and a lollipop? "Dear Hellraiser fans. Here is a technically well-written collection of stories for you poor souls who possibly were sexually abused. Please read it instead of killing each other during sex. May it help you find safe responsible pleasure in our universe. Love, Lis."