This reality TV phase just won’t go away, will it? There have been shows featuring people looking to become rock stars and movie stars; there have been series documenting the quest for love and the quest to be thin; we’ve been privy to the “real life” of professional wrestlers and Playboy Bunnies, faded child actors and drunken socialites. Before we all shake our heads in dismay at what qualifies for entertainment, however, let us all rejoice that the newest reality star is none other than the Mistress of the Dark herself, Elvira. I, for one, am thrilled to have her back on TV again, no matter what the circumstances may be. Beginning on Saturday, October 13, Fox Reality Channel launched "The Search for the Next Elvira", a four episode miniseries featuring 13 “unlucky” contestants vying for a shot at becoming…well, the next Elvira.
But fear not, Elvira fans- this doesn’t mean Elvira’s hanging up her beehive just yet. They’re not thinking of replacing Elvira- not that anyone ever could, of course. So what exactly is this evil handmaiden going to be doing, anyway?
“She will be doing some of the overflow that I get for Halloween, because every Halloween I get hundreds of requests to appear at people’s haunted houses, shopping malls, or whatever haunted thing- theme parks, and obviously there’s only one of me, so I’m not able to get to very many of them. I take the ones that draw the big bucks, you know? And then there’s all these poor other little venues still beggin’, so I thought, if I had another Elvira, or ideally, eventually an entire army of Elvira clones, they could go and make these appearances at shopping malls, where they basically would just pose with fans, or sign autographs or take pictures.”
Cassandra Peterson has been playing at the Mistress of the Dark for more than 25 years now, and she’s appeared in two feature films, hawked wares from Pepsi to licensed pinball machines, and hosted more than 300 episodes of her cult fave show Movie Macabre. How does she feel about someone else trying to fill her…shoes?
“I think it’ll be a big relief. I’ve looked at Santa Claus for many years now with a lot of envy in my eyes, because you know, he gets to pick up all the gigs. He’s in every town and every city across the United States and I’m unable to get my character out there that much. It’s just me at one venue here, one venue there. At this point, I think it’s going to be fantastic to have another Elvira out there. Actually, during the process of the show, it was fantastic to see some of these girls who’ve watched me since they were little girls who really get it, who love it and they’ve got the Elvira thing down. For me, it’s flattering. I love the fact that there’ll be someone else who’s young and perky and gets it.” In other words, she gets to take a break AND make a bid for world domination with her Elvira clones- not a bad deal. “And I get a percentage of their money, don’t forget that!”
So what’s it gonna take to become one of these clones? What kind of girl is Elvira looking for to become the next…err, mini-her?
“There is a certain body type that you do have to have, you know? I mean, if you’re gonna play Santa Claus, you have to be fat, and if you’re gonna play Spider-Man you have to have some muscles in the chest area, but if you’re gonna be Elvira, you do have to have special assets. But more than the body thing, that was maybe a third of the equation, but more important is, do they get the humor behind it? Do they have a sense of humor? Were they kinda sassy and got the Elvira feeling down? And thirdly, were they into horror, and metaphysical stuff, Halloween, you know, the whole spooky side. Those are the three elements that comprise Elvira and make her unique in the horror genre: sexy, funny, and spooky. They had to have all of those things, so it wasn’t as easy as just finding some girl with big boobs…like we could just go to Hooters. It’s a lot more complicated than that…like we shot a few girls who I loved, I adored, they looked so perfect, but they did not get the humor thing.”
In addition to her new reality show, Elvira’s got a lot of pots on the stove, ensuring that there’s going to be plenty of spooky, funny projects for years to come; in fact, she’s looking to become the “Martha Stewart of the macabre” with an animated feature film, Elvira checks, a new web show, and even a new one-of-a-kind Elvira Barbie to be unveiled on October 27th. “I don’t think having more Elviras is gonna slow it down, unfortunately,” she says, “I’ll be so busy training them at BOOB Camp, I won’t have time to do anything else.”
Entertainment company Shout Factory has slowly but surely been releasing episodes of Elvira’s Movie Macabre on DVD. The 2-DVD sets come complete with B- (and sometimes Z-) grade films and wraparound featuring the trademark Elvira commentary and bad jokes so many horror fans grew up watching. How does Elvira feel, looking back at these shows that are several decades old now?
“Sometimes I laugh so hard at myself I cry, and some are so embarrassing…there’s a few really early ones and I could just DIE. First of all, my hair is flat and I’m talking so slow…I started out moving and talking really slow, and as the years go by my hair gets higher and my voice speeds up. Around ’83 I hit my Elvira stride- the stuff before ’83 makes me cringe.” Personally, I couldn’t be more thrilled that Movie Macabre is becoming available- I tell ya, the show is like crack for me. In typical whiny junkie mode, I ask her if please…PLEASE there’s any chance that Movie Macabre will be resurrected and new episodes will air. “I try. I pitch that and pitch that, and the problem with it is getting the movies, the kind I really wanna use. They’ve become expensive and hard to find. A show that’s really inexpensive to shoot becomes very, very expensive.” Stupid lousy money, always ruining everything.
I relate the story Marilyn Burns told me, about finding herself at the mercy of Elvira’s wit one Saturday afternoon, and I wonder if Elvira- or Cassandra, even- has ever experienced any backlash for her relentless ribbing of bad movies and the actors that appear in them.
“Most of them have a fantastic sense of humor about it. They go “Oh my god, on your show you called me a horrible actor, and blah blah blah” and I’m like “Oh my god! I’m so sorry!”, but they think it’s hilarious. One time this director got really PO-ed at me, going “That was a fine film and I don’t know how you could put it down” and I’m like “Oh my god, are YOU deluded!” But that’s the one time somebody wasn’t happy about it. Almost always it’s like “It was so funny, you said really horrible things about me and it was great”. Vincent Price used to get the biggest kick- he just LOVED the fact that I was always calling him “Vinnie the P” and talking about how crappy his acting was and everything when it wasn’t. He loved it- he thought it was hilarious.”
“Vinnie the P”…gawd, I love Elvira.
One wonders if Cassandra’s young daughter will someday join the Elvira Army; after all, Elvira is smart, sexy, funny…and a hell of a businesswoman to boot. Surely she’s a fantastic role model, yes?
“Right now she couldn’t be embarrassed about what I do. Like “Oh my god…can’t you act like a normal person ever?” She is into playing the bass, and she’s so into the Sex Pistols, and she wrote a song- I love this song she just wrote. I have really long black fingernails, and the beginning of it is like “My mother has claws! She’s not a person, she’s a thing!” So that’s what my daughter thinks of me right now. She thinks the whole Elvira thing is just incredibly, incredibly embarrassing. That can change, but right now she’s 12 years old, she’s at that stage where your parents embarrass you no matter who they are. Maybe it’ll change, but right now she’d rather die than be Elvira.”
Put on your favorite black t-shirt and tune in to the Fox Reality Channel for The Search for the Next Elvira, Saturday night at midnight. Choose your favorite “Next Elvira” and vote beginning on October 20; a winner will be crowned on Halloween and may eventually appear at a shopping mall near you. Sure, we all have mixed feelings about reality TV, but come on…it’s ELVIRA. And when the macabre and people hungry for fame mix, well, as Elvira says, “It’s pretty damn wacky; even I was shocked when I saw it, and it takes a lot to shock me.”